what makes the Elda Yambao now.

Looking back, I couldn’t exactly recall what it is that brought me here. But I do recall hurting for my brother... a lot of times. When he was tied on our staircase with an electrical tape, when he was spanked for throwing a tantrum in the mall, when someone steps on the ants that he has been counting and when he wasn’t allowed to go up the stage on his Pre-school graduation -only to name some.

I’ve always known there was something wrong, something that I do not understand. And there was no one that I could ask about it ‘cos I knew they didn’t know what it was either. Mom had temper issues. My Dad would always have a loud voice. And somehow I knew there were better ways of raising Cedie up.

But I remember feeling compelled wanting to learn.

IHMC batch 2004 (my meek self - chos! yes i had that!) 

At age 16, I applied for College in 5 of the best universities in the Philippines. And my first choice of college degree would always be Psychology. 

Simply put, I wanted to understand. I was young, I didn’t know exactly if I could find answers here. I just heard Psychology is the study of human behaviour so I was very hopeful that there’d be a time that I’d get to it.

Go USTeee, go USTeee, go USTeee, go go go go!

UST Psychology Batch 2008 (ansabeh ng transformation ko???) 

At age 20, I was able to earn my BS Psychology Degree. And after trips to my brother’s Developmental Pediatricians, Psychologists, Speech Therapist, Occupational Therapist, SPED teachers and counsellors, numerous seminars and trainings, countless outreach programs and exposure to individuals with special needs, I figured it was time I go for my dream job. Yes, my first job was my dream job. I recalled how 10 years ago, I promised myself to apply in A Child Can Foundation – one of the therapy centers that we put Cedie in. I can vividly recall how I peeked in its rooms when I hear my brother cry and how I patiently waited for his therapist to come out and tell me what happened. With fish ball on one hand and his bag on the other, I told myself “this is where I will be in the future”. And I was.

http://www.achildcan.com/

I worked in ACC for 2 and a half years. It was overwhelming to be exactly where I wanted to be especially at an age when people seemed to be floating and confused with where their lives are headed to. I met and worked with people with the same passion as me. For a moment, I felt typical. I didn’t have to explain what autism was about every single time I’d talk about my brother. They completely understood what it was and never think that it was weird for him to be acting that way. If there was any place that I could bring Cedie in and not feel so guarded, it was in this center. I could just really let him do whatever he wants and have that peace of mind that he’d be understood. They often offered advices as to how I could manage his behaviour and sometimes even mine too – particularly my emotions. I never felt that I was pitied. Instead, they gave me hope that something can still be done. They taught me how this battle wasn’t mine alone, it was our family’s. All in all, I learned a lot from ACC – through direct learning experience and my colleagues. If anything, it was my experience in ACC that’s actually solidified the foundations of what I know in behaviour modification and children’s exceptionality.

Have never seen too much awesome people in one place.
Sorry, class pic ang peg dito. Hindi talaga sila ganyan kasiryows, promise! 

I also took my Post-graduate studies while working in ACC. In my hopes to be a Developmental Psychologist, I decided to take a Master’s Degree in Psychology Major in Human Development Psychology in De La Salle University. It was indeed productive. Besides the very many things I learned and experienced, I met a bunch of substantial people along the way. The best part for me would always be being able to relate whatever it is that I’m learning to Autism – biological, socio-emotional and cognitive development. To be honest, it was quite tough juggling my schedule. Running after kids at day, digesting lectures at night, digging my head on books and journals, on-call behaviour mod.-ing, being my sister’s constant date and having an ecstatically active social life in between. I’m not sure how I survived it really. But I knew I wouldn’t have if I wasn’t passionate about all these.

Pag school walang makulit na caption, baka sipain ako palabas! haha 

At 23, I finished my academic units and proceeded to my practicum at two sites where I think I wouldn't only learn the most, but also apply whatever I learned to my brother. My experience in PGH and CARD has moved me way beyond expectations. It was truly something that I'd treasure and would look back to every now and then. 

http://www.pghrehabmed.net/p/psychology.html

http://www.cardphils.org/index.html

Just months before starting my practicum, I became faculty member of the Psychology Department of Assumption College. How could I miss on such opportunity right? I couldn't resist hopping in right away. Not long after, I realized It was quite a rough job. Contrary to how you see it as glamorous and fancy, it was actually something that required hours of hardwork. One class may only last for an hour and a half in a day yet it takes 2-4 hours to prepare for what may transpire in that class. And I'm just talking about pre-class preps - of course, there'd be post-class stuff to do (read: checking of papers, computing grades, etc.). Since I’m relatively a newbie in this field too, I’m pretty much still searching for my identity as a professor. As one, you are subjected to criticism every single day – the way you dress, talk, teach, every. single. thing. you. do... by students, colleagues, and your boss. This was something that I had to put up to yet I have committed to truly ‘perform’ in every single class that I attend. Its one of those avenues where I am in that constantly pushes me to do better everyday. I’m constantly on the look for creative ways of presenting the lecture (been teaching the same subjects for 3 sems now, I still sleep late prepping for it), fun activities and the best way to relate it to their lives.. ‘cos to me, that matters even more than the 3-digit number that I give them at the end of every semester. I make sure our class time’s never put to waste. And I discreetly talk about my brother and what autism is about whenever I get a chance. ;) (sneaky.. i make sure its not a course on YAMBAO 101 though!)

picture this: AC + Edlink + CARD + PGH ALL AT THE SAME FRIGGIN' TIME. who ya calling busy??? 

For some reasons, it felt lonely not to work with younger kids. So even before my teaching stint started, I decided to work as Educational Therapist in Edlink Foundation. The programs center on educational remediation, particularly for those who might have difficulties in reading, comprehension and math. I get so much inspiration from the kids and their families here – especially when they go out of their way to express how thankful they are to see progress in their kid’s work. Though to be honest, there was this one time that it surprisingly made me feel bad. My brother threw a tantrum at school after being caught cheating in his Literary subject. I felt guilty that he needed to cheat since he was having such a difficult time on that particular subject (very much an Aspie's characteristic). I wish I had helped him so he didn’t have to eventually act up. That same day, a parent came to say thank you for her kid’s improvement. How could I have helped other kids and not my own brother? I felt so bad about it that I wanted to quit for a while. It was like I didn’t want to help others until I’ve completely helped my own. But of course, through processing and acceptance, I’m eventually realizing that I can not fix everything.

http://edlinkfoundation.com/

And that’s how the past 19 years of my life with Cedie has been. I felt too privileged that I was the 'typical' one and felt guilty about it all the time. I'd usually deal with my issues alone as I was too shy to ask for help. How can I still need help, I am normal. Mental scripts include "suck it all in Elda, you have to be okay" , and "pull yourself together, no one's gonna help you". This has made me feel obliged to somehow step up in however I can.. in whatever I do. I was the daughter who constantly tries extra hard to make the parents proud, the student who won’t sleep until my projects are of good great quality, the employee who won’t mind working beyond office hours, the friend who drops everything when you tell her you need her, and most of all, the sister who’ll create (if not change the one were in) a new world just so her brother can live comfortably.

I am 'typical' yet I hated most parts of it - not because I wanted attention.
It breaks my heart to see Ced hurting. I felt undeserving to be normal.
Why not me?

More often than not though, this has caused frustrations. Mind you, I’m not talking like having Cedie has never caused me anything good. I previously mentioned how my brother has been one of the most important aspects in my life that’s actually defined me as a person. I guess I’m just at a point in my life where I have finally stopped being selfless and currently reassessing where all these frustrations are coming from. And sadly, I have come to realize that it all came from me. If there was anyone being too tough or having sky high expectations of myself, it was me. Undeniably, I have forgotten to live a life of my own.

Initially pursued Psychology, biking, behaviour modification, autism advocacy, social skills training and educational remediation because I believed it’ll help him. Of course, I wouldn’t have done all that if I wasn’t passionate about it to begin with. And it wasn’t like it never made me happy too. Its just very apparent how most my decisions would always favor those that I knew would benefit my brother and It’s difficult to accept that it took me countless bruises and finally a knife pointed to my neck to eventually realize that I didn’t seem to have my own identity.

It feels surreal how I am slapped by reality that I’m no superwoman, not even close –no matter how I try. I’m sure I would get over this phase someday -really taking small steps (that quite honestly feels like smaller than one) at a time right now.